Broken
by Ragnstein
Summary: Eren Jaeger is a high school student who suffers from depression, PTSD and he is very suicidal. He's also gay. But because of his past, he hides his gay feelings. When he finally starts to get rid of most of his gay feelings, a short, grumpy man shows up and makes Eren more broken that he already is. Ereri/Riren. Modern AU. Warnings inside!
1. Chapter 1

**Broken chapter 1**

 **Hello everyone!**

 **This is my first fanfic so it might not be very good. I still hope you enjoy!**

 **And English is not my first language so spelling mistakes might occur, but I'll try my best.**

 **This will be a Modern AU Ereri fanfic. I might be adding some smut, but I'm terrible at writing it. And their will be lots of foul language, because what is Levi without bad language?**

 **And Hanji is a female in this story. Just a heads up.**

 **I might be adding OC, but it will only be like super minors. Like people working in stores, or bullies. I can't let Jean or Reiner be bullies, because I have a soft-spot for em'.**

 **And Eren is going to be all depressed and suicidal (that poor thing), so that means Trigger Warnings! (Spoiler-ish): Contains rape, suicide, self-harm, minor smut, foul language, bullying and abuse. (I'm a horrible person)**

 **I do not own AoT/SnK.**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

 _Cut._

I deserve this.

 _Cut._

I'm a monster.

 _Cut._

That's what everyone tells me. That I'm a monster. That I'm gross. Then I'm a faggot.

"I guess it's true. I mean look at me. I'm letting them win. I'm breaking."

 _Cut._

I held up the knife I was using to my face so I could see my blood. It's so... _Red._ I need more.

 _More._

I'm hurting myself like some stupid kid, why not just end my misery right now? Or, not my misery... Everyone else's. I don't deserve to end _my_ misery, but everyone else deserves to get rid of _me_.

I'm so gross to look at. I'm so gross to be around. Yes. I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for everyone else.

 _Cut._

There. I cut deep enough. Now Eren Jaeger will finally leave the rest of humanity alone. Finally I will leave you all al-

I sat up it my bed and groaned. Wait, this isn't my bed. I looked around the room. It was small, white and full of machines. A few chairs and small tables scattered around.

Oh, I'm in the hospital.

I rubbed my eyes, but I stopped when I heard footsteps. A nurse walked in.

"How are you feeling, sir?" a short, strawberry blonde lady said, with the sweetest voice. "U-umm... I'm fine. Thanks ma'am," I said. She made a nice and short giggling sound. "Aw, you're sweet. But you don't have to call me 'ma'am'. It makes me sound old," she said, followed by another short giggle. "O-okay." "Just relax, I'm just going to change your bandages," she quickly said, after she noticed how tense I was.

Yeah, like that's going to help.

Maybe I shouldn't be so mean. I know I'm just thinking it, but it's worse for her to actually have me as a patient.

I sighed, and lifted my arm a little so she could change my bandage.

"My name is Petra Ral, by the way!" she practically beamed. I looked down. "It's really, very nice too meet you, Eren!"

How does she know my name? Oh, right. I'm her patient.

"I hope it's okay if I call you Eren. I usually call everyone I meet by their first names," she rambled.

"You called me 'sir'," I said in a low voice. "Oh, right. Well, if you think I'm being annoying with all my talking then you should meet your doctor," she laughed shortly after, like it was the best joke in the world.

She was fixing my bandages around my wrists, so when she was starting to concentrate more, she frowned.

"I know it's not my place to ask, but why did you try to kill yourself?"

I stopped all my thinking. Shocked, I looked up at her. She can't ask me that! Can she? She's my nurse, but...

I heard footsteps again.

A quite tall women burst through the door, wearing the biggest grin. She had a white coat on, and she had put her hair up in a messy ponytail. She also had glasses on.

"Hello! My name is Hanji! I'm your doctor! What's your name? Oh wait! Haha, I already know that! See?" She waved around this piece of paper, which I presume has my name on it, and other medical shit. "Yeah, you saw, didn't you! Yes. Where was I? Oh, right. Yes, you tried to kill yourself, so you probably need therapy, and a roommate, because we can't trust you to be alone." She rambled on.

Wait, what?

"Umm... Isn't that a little inappropriate, Dr. Hanji?" Petra said I'm a very self-conscious tone of voice. Like she completely changed her personality when her superior walks in. Strange.

I listened to Hanji's words, playing her over and over again in my head. Therapy? No, I'm fine. Why would anyone want to help _me?_

"Hmm, maybe you're right. I could always count on you, Petra!" She said, and smacked Petra on the back, and Petra made a startled sound. "I deeply apologize for my words."

I looked up. "I don't need therapy."

"See this is why I said that in the first place. Eren," she grabbed my hand. I flinched, because it hurt. "You are denying the truth. You should get a therapist and move in with someone. I strongly recommend this."

"N-no! I swear this was a one time thing, and I completely regret it! Please! I'm fine to live on my own, and I don't need therapy!" I shouted, in attempt for her to believe me even if I'm lying.

Hanji gave me a creepy, scientist look. "Fine. I believe you. You will be discharged the afternoon of tomorrow."

She basically stormed out of the room, with Petra following in her footsteps, like a lost puppy.

I sighed. Thank god.

Around two hours later, Petra's head peeked through the door, and she knocked lightly. "Eren?" She called with a light voice.

My eyes were closed, but I wasn't asleep.

I couldn't sleep.

I heard her coming closer. She shook me lightly. "Eren, wake up. Someone is here to visit you."

My eyes shot up. "H-huh?" She smiled at me. "I'll bring them in." Wait, what? "No, wait!" I yelled and grabbed her arm.

"What's wrong?" She said in a comforting, but concerned voice.

"I-I can't let them see me like this."

She shook her head. "Eren, it's fine. I think it's good for you to see your friends."

I don't think it's a good idea. I've never showed any indication of me being depressed and I've done a pretty good job of hiding my PTSD, or panic attacks...

But I still reluctantly agreed by nodding and letting go of her arm. She gave me a smile and walked out of my room, to get my friends.

I wonder who it is. Probably Armin or Mikasa.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. That's when I was pulled into a warm embrace.

"Eren," a familiar voice said.

I opened my eyes so I could look at my sister. I wrapped my arms around her. I breathed in her scent.

"Mikasa," I said. She pulled out of our hug, and she wiped away her tears. I made her cry. Everything I do just... I just... I ruin everything. I didn't want to make her cry.

I looked to the side and there stood Armin. My best friend. He was also wiping away tears. He came close and pulled me into a hug shortly after Mikasa took a few steps back.

"Why would you do that to yourself?" he whispered, his voice hoarse, probably from crying. I hugged him back, without saying a word.

He pulled out of the hug. "Answer me, Eren." I looked down. "You have always been so happy! What would drive you to do something like that?! Am I really that bad of a friend?!" He was yelling.

I jolted my head up to look at his eyes. "O-of course not! I'm fine! It was a one time thing, and I regret it!" I yelled. It breaks my heart to lie to my friends.

Armin just stood there, saying nothing.

"Dr. Hanji suggested that you moved in with someone. So move in with me or Armin." Mikasa suddenly said after a long, awkward silence.

"Mikasa, be nice..." Armin said quietly.

"No," she walked closer. "How dare you scare us like that? You need help. You'll be getting therapy, and you'll move in with one of us."

I glared at her. It's starting to get hard to breath. But I tried to ignore that fact. "Mikasa. I don't need it. I-I was sad one night, and I'm fine now. I talked to Dr. Hanji, and she says that it's not needed so-" "But it was recommended," she interrupted.

"Leave me alone." I hissed.

I can't take it anymore. If she continues this, I'll get a panic attack. And I can't let them know that I have problems. They're already on too me, because I'm in the hospital for a failed suicide attempt.

"Fine." She picked up her purse, and stormed out. "M-Mikasa, wait!" Armin yelled, but shortly after he let out a large sigh.

"You sure you're okay?" Armin asked, clearly worried. I gave a fake, but reassuring smile. "Yes. It won't happen again. I'm not depressed or anything. I was just... Confused. Okay? I'm fine," I lied.

"I believe you. I'll see you at school next week?" He asked. "Yeah," I smiled. Armin gave me one last hug before he went after Mikasa.

I closed my eyes. I need rest. I need to get out of here. I can't have anyone suspecting me. I need to put on a mask. A happy one. A stronger one. Only at home may I hurt myself, nowhere else. Don't show any signs of sadness, or depression. Only at home may I break. Only at home. No. Only at my house. I don't have a home. I don't belong anywhere.

I fell asleep.

"Ready to go, Eren?" Petra asked. I was fully dressed, packed and ready to get out of that place as soon as possible. I gave a slight nod, and she gave me a smile in response.

Hanji stormed in the room, like usual.

"Eren, my boy! How are you feeling?" She practically yelled.

"I'm fine." I gave her a smile, to make sure she believed me.

"Alright!" She smiled back. She took a couple of steps closer, and now she was standing right by my ear. "You sure you don't want therapy, or a roommate? I don't think tha-" I grabbed her hand quickly so she would stop talking. "Dr. Hanji. Thank you for all your help. I'm fine now. I swear," I lied.

She gave me a disappointed look, but agreed nevertheless. I gave her another smile.

Armin's head peeked through the door, and he gave a little knock.

"You ready to go?" The blond said. I nodded.

"Sit here, Eren. Hospital policy." Hanji gestured her hand to a wheelchair. I gave a sigh, but I sat in the chair anyway. Petra was behind me, pushing the wheelchair.

The wheelchair stopped after some time, very close to the front door exit.

"Ah, we're here. Now Eren," I stood up from the chair, and I turned around to look at the crazy doctor while she talked. "Come back in a week, so we can take out the stitches, and see if your wounds have healed nicely, hm?" I nodded in response. I thanked Petra and Dr. Hanji, and then left for the door, with Armin right by my side.

Finally I'm gone from that horrible place. The people we're nice. But, the walls in there made me feel trapped. I'm glad I could escape.

"Thanks for driving me to my apartment." I said.

We we're standing at my doorstep. "Anytime." Armin said, and cracked a smile.

"But...is Mikasa still mad at me?" I asked.

I understand that she didn't visit me at the hospital after she left, because I was only there one more day, but she didn't even pick me up, or call. Which is very unusual behavior from her.

"Probably. Maybe. I don't know. She's very busy with school, ya know..." Armin said.

An excuse she always uses or tell other people to use when she's mad. I knew this, but I didn't have the energy to argue. So I instead just replied with a simple "oh."

We said our farewells and then he left. Leaving me all alone.

 _Finally._

I went inside my apartment.

I moved out because of my father. No one knows what he did to me. Not even Armin or Mikasa. They always wondered why I moved out. And it took a lot of effort before I was able to. But now I live alone.

I can break without anyone ever knowing. And after holding a mask for almost two days in front of doctors, which is even harder than normal, I couldn't take it anymore. It was exhausting. I needed to break. Right here and now.

 _"Eren."_

I looked around my house. I'm all alone. I know I live alone. But I'm still alone.

 _"Eren, I'm only showing you how it feels."_

I sat on the couch. But I quickly got up again. I'm restless.

 _"I'm only showing you how wrong it is."_

I locked all my doors. I also made sure no windows were open, even if I was gone for two days. Just to make sure.

 _"You're a monster."_

I'm not not going to kill myself. I can't right now. What if it fails? It's too soon.

 _"You're disgusting."_

I went into the bathroom. I opened a drawer, revealing my knife. The knife I always use when I cut.

 _"No one likes you."_

The voice. My father. I can hear him clearer now. I'm getting a flashback. A panic attack.

 _"You're a faggot, who deserves only unhappiness."_

It's hard to breathe. I lifted the knife up to my wrist. My skin.

 _"You deserve only unhappiness." He said again, only with a colder voice._

"I deserve only unhappiness." I repeated.

 _My shirt had been pulled off, forcefully. He put his cold hands on my hips, right above my pants. He pushed the pants down. I flinched because of the bruises that we're there, given to me the day before. He pushed down my boxers too. I kept screaming "Stop! What are you doing?!" But it didn't help. He didn't stop. He never did. "I'm showing you that it's wrong being gay, Eren. You deserve it." He said. That's what he always said._

"I deserved it." I repeated. I sliced my skin open. I hissed at the stinging pain. Still, the pain given to me from the blade, wasn't nearly as bad as the pain given to me by my father. Blood was trickling down. I cut again. And again. I stopped once I started to feel dizzy. I can't die. It's too soon. They'll make me move in with someone. I washed the blade, and put it back where it always was. Ready, to be used by me again.

 _"You deserve it."_

"I deserve it."

I fell asleep that night, only with more flashbacks of my father abusing me.

Breaking me.

 **And, that was the first chapter!**

 **Sorry that my writing style sucks, I just don't know how to write...**

 **But practice makes perfect, right?**

 **So just put up with me for now, I'll try to get better.**

 **I would love some tips. Just don't be to harsh. I get sad really easily.**

 **I appreciate reviews very much!**

 **(And Happy Halloween!)**

 **Thanks for reading! Bye~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello and welcome to a new chapter!**

 **The first think I want to say is, wow.**

 **The reviews you guys gave me. Thank you.**

 **I really appreciate it!**

 **And another thing I want to say is I ship winmin. But since this is Eren's POV, he still thinks Armin isn't gay. But he is XD**

 **It's confusing, I know...**

 **Just say that Eren basically think being gay is very wrong, and he couldn't imagine his only friend (Mikasa is his sister...) being gay, like him. Because he hates himself.**

 **If that makes sense...**

 **If there is anything you don't understand, or if there is like a hole in the plot or something, tell me. And I'll fix it XD**

 **And I'm using my iPad to write this, so the page breaks aren't working. So I'm sorry if it suddenly changes from one scene to the other. I tried using a pattern, but it doesn't show. Sorry...**

 **I don't own SnK/AoT.**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

I just walked inside of my school, and was heading to class when Armin showed up.

"Morning Eren! How are you today?" Armin said and gave me a big smile.

 _"I want to die."_

"I'm good, you?" I said, returning the smile, like always.

"I'm good too!"

He suddenly frowned. "But... I talked to the teacher about your situation, so the homework you missed, doesn't need to be finished. As long as you study extra hard."

"You what?! You told him?!" I yelled. How could he? How could he tell my teacher that I tried to kill my self? I know I want to, but I can't. If it fails I need to move in with someone. And I can't keep my mask on for a long period of time.

"E-Eren calm down! I didn't say that you... tried anything. I just said that you were in the hospital," he tried to explain.

I glared at him. "Fine," I finally said. He gave a relieved sigh.

"Okay then. Let's get to class." I nodded.

-x-X-x-

"Armin, if you're that sick, then go home."

"N-no. I'm fine," he said. He was leaning over the school toilet, ready for the next time his breakfast would come back, not the way most people want.

"Armin, seriously. Go home." I was rubbing his back. "I'm not going home. I'm f-fine."

He's just doing this because he's worried about me. Because he doesn't trust me. Not that I blame him. He's the only person, next to Mikasa, who actually like me. But both Armin and Mikasa are overprotective. And it can be really hard to hide my true feelings.

Plus, Mikasa is my sister. Adopted though. So she doesn't get abused. My father adores her. Not that I want it any different. I love her. I've only known her for a few years though. But she seems extra close to me. Strangely close. But that doesn't matter.

But Armin. I can't let him throw up all his insides because he's worried about me. It's silly. I've already decided that I'm not going to kill myself. Even if I want to, and other people want me to die too. I just can't take the risk right now.

"I know you're only doing this because you're worried about me. Do you really think that I'm going to kill my self? Right here? Right now? I just got out of recovery f-"

"Let me stop you right there," he interrupted. He took a deep breath. "You got in recovery for your physical wounds, not your psychic ones. I-I'm not going to leave you at your first day at school, and Mikasa isn't here."

"You're sick."

"And? I can handle it," Armin said. He gave me a reassuring smile. Didn't help though.

No. I'm not letting him do this to himself. I'm not going to let him suffer for a worthless shit like me.

I walked out of the bathroom and into the school hallways. I could hear Armin shout something like: "Where are you going?"

I saw a teacher.

I walked up to the teacher. He was a tall, blond man. Oh, it's my biology teacher. Me and Armin's that is.

"Excuse me Mr. Smith. Armin Arlert, umm, your student from biology class. Well, he's very sick... And he refuses to go home. And I think he should... So can you talk to him?" I said.

I hate taking to teachers. It makes me nervous. I don't trust them. When I was little I told them about me being bullied, and they didn't do shit. And I still get bullied. Which is embarrassing. I'm weak, I know. No need to rub it in.

Mr. Smith gave me a warm smile, distracting me from my sudden, depressing thoughts.

"Of course. Where might he be?" he asked.

Damn, he's polite as fuck.

Well still. This is good. Mr. Smith always liked Armin. I think I heard him saying he was his favorite student. That's very good. He wouldn't want his favorite student to be sick, would he?

I pointed at the restroom, and Mr. Smith quickly walked inside the vomit-smelling room.

After a while, Armin came out, holding Mr. Smith's arm to help his balance. Armin was as red as a tomato.

Must be embarrassing. I mean I knew Armin isn't gay, like me- Wait no. I'm not gay. I'm not allowed to be. Stop telling yourself that you are, because you're not!

I sighed and shook the sudden thoughts out of my head. Why do I always do that? Whatever.

I waved Armin a goodbye. Armin looked pretty pissed that I made him leave.

I turned on my heels and headed to my locker. I have two more hours of school, two hours of math, so I needed to get my math books.

It was a five minute walk from the restroom to my locker.

"Faggot"

That word. That word has been following me my entire life. That lie. It was written on my locker. Like it was reminding me. But it's not true. It's a lie. I'm not a faggot. I'm not.

"Well, it looks like you finally got to see my present!" someone said. I turned around to look at this person. And of course. It was a bully.

"Yeah, it describes him perfectly!" a shorter person said. He was standing beside the bigger guy in front of me.

"Shut up," I said in a low voice.

"Huh? Is the little fag trying to speak up?" The bigger bully said. The smaller one laughed at that. And an another bully suddenly appeared, laughing at the previously mentioned question.

"Speak louder! We can't hear you!" the smaller bully said.

"Aw. Poor little boy. He'll never know what real sex feels like. Tell me," the bigger bully started. "How does it feel to get fucked up the ass?"

I snapped.

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT GAY, YOU PRICK!"

Pain. An all to familiar pain.

A punch, right to my face. The shock made me fall on the ground. "F-fuck," I whispered. I lifted my hand to my face, where I had been punched.

"Don't talk back to me, you cocksucker!" he yelled. Clearly pissed.

Great. I made him angry. I make everything worse.

He kicked me in my stomach. He was using really hard boots, which made the impact a lot more painful, so I gasped for air.

The two other bullies came closer to me. They started to punch me in different places.

Face, stomach, throat, legs, arms. Everywhere.

The pain. It was overwhelming. It's like my father. They hit the same way. Like they are trying to get rid of a bug. To squash a spider. They just want to get rid of an unwanted creature.

Not that I blame them.

 **Aaaaaand, that's it for this chapter!**

 **Sorry if it's short.**

 **Again, tell me if anything is confusing, and I'll try to help.**

 **And please correct any errors, or give me writing tips, it's greatly appreciated! Or you can just give me normal reviews. Even if it's just a "great," it still makes me really happy!**

 **Thanks for reading! Bye~**


	3. Chapter 3

**And here is another chapter!**

 **And I thank everyone for reviewing! I read them, and I really appreciate it!**

 **And sorry if the story is a little unrealistic, it's for the plot ~**

 **I don't own SnK/AoT**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

It hurts.

They aren't stopping.

Why won't they stop? I've learned my lesson! I want to apologize but they keep punching me, making me gasp for more air.

They kept telling me to admit it. Admit that I'm gay. But I'm not. I'm not allowed to be.

"Come on! You were calling me a prick earlier, what happened? Cat got your tongue?"

"N-" I started, but I quickly got kicked in the stomach, making me unable to continue.

"Shut up," he said.

What was the reason of asking me then? I don't understand. I just want to defend myself. But if I get in trouble, they'll take it as a sign of aggression or something, and shove me into a house with someone. I can't.

Am I overreacting? Will they really do that? Hm. Probably. I'm already suicidal. I would never admit that though.

Another kick. And again, and again.

Aren't they done? They won't let me talk, so why won't they stop? Just... Stop.

He grabbed my hair, turned me around, and smacked my face into the locker. "Gah!" was the only sound that would come out of my mouth.

Please, _stop._

 _"S-stop," I whispered. "No. You need to learn your lesson. I see the way you look at guys, Eren. There is no hiding it. From me anyway." He pulled out of me, but quickly shoved it back in, making me groan in pain. "I c-can't help it." He pulled out again, and turned me around. He punched me. "Of course you can! A worthless shit like you isn't going to embarrass me. You need to hide it, to ignore it, to deny it." He punched me again. "Y-yes, sir." It's not like I had a choice. The pain was to much. I closed my eyes. "Good boy." He got off of me. He was putting his pants back on and then he walked to the door, unlocking it and then opening it. "Good night. Sweet dreams." He closed the door, leaving me all alone. Unsafe. Sad. Broken._

"You gay piece of shit." He gave me another punch. I hissed at the pain.

I needed to listen to my father. I was able to move out, without him going to jail or anything. So the possibility of me moving back in with him was high. I guess I have another possibility, because I'm sure I could choose Armin over him. But it was still a high possibility. Mikasa lives with my father, and Armin lives alone. So it's easier if they're more people there to 'control my anger.'

If I show signs of aggression, then I might be forced to move in with Mikasa and my father, instead of Armin.

I'm already unstable. I don't want to give them another reason to move me in with someone. Especially my father.

I will not be with my father again. I can't.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this. I needed to distract myself from the pain. But they wouldn't stop.

Haven't they had enough? How was it fun for them, no anyone, to see me suffer? I hate seeing people suffer.

Why me?

Do I really deserve this?

I cut myself telling me that, but still. This is much worse. I feel like I can't breath. I want to shout: "Stop!" but I can't talk.

Do I really deserve this?

No.

No I don't. I can't handle the pain.

I'm weak, psychologically. But physically, that's another story. I have muscle. I know how to fight. I know I'm not allowed. But this is enough.

I can just say it was self-defense. They'd have to believe me. I'm so full of bruises. It's hard not to believe.

Yes. I can handle this. I can do this. It's okay.

I turned around, giving the bully a death glare. He actually looked a bit startled.

He knew. He knew that I was mad.

He knew that I was _pissed._

I stood up, slowly. "Hey! The fuck are you doing? Get back dow-" I interrupted him with my knuckle hitting him right in his face.

He fell to the ground.

The smaller bullies looked scared, but one of them still ran towards me. I grabbed his arm, twisted it, and kicked his leg, making him fall. He stared to cry, but he quickly stood up again, then he ran away, limping.

"Coward," I said.

It was really hard. I could barely breath from the pain that they gave me, and talking made it even worse. But I needed to act intimidating.

I needed this to work.

I turned around to the other bully. He looked like he was about to piss himself. I didn't care.

This is good.

I walked closer to him, ignoring the shooting pain in my leg.

"Fuck you," I said. "W-wait!" I didn't wait.

I grabbed the collar of his shirt, and pushed him against a locker. I kneed him right in his stomach, making him fall to the ground, gasping for air.

Hm. Looks familiar.

He was crying too now. "I'm sorr-" I interrupted him with a kick.

"Shut up," I spat out at him.

Now he was just a whimpering, crying, little shit curled up in a pathetic ball on the ground. It reminded me of me. But I didn't care. He deserved this. He _actually_ deserved this.

I decided that I was finished with him after I gave him another kick. I walked past him, to the big bully. The one that hurt me the most.

"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" I said to him, copying what he had said to me.

He looked up at me, scared shitless.

He was still on the ground, so I grabbed his hair, turned him around, and smashed his face into the ground.

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

He didn't say anything, he just gave a slight nod.

"You're pathetic. Picking on me for such a stupid reason. Get a life." I smashed his head into the ground once more, then I let go of his hair. He whimpered.

I walked out of the school.

I'm in to much pain to study anyway. But the pain didn't really bother me. I did something for myself for once. I hurt someone, not the other way around. Now I get to go home. In my own apartment. (Hopefully I would be able to stay there.)

For the first time in a long time, I actually smiled.

And it wasn't fake.

 **And there, the end of this chapter!**

 **Again, sorry for another short chapter. This and the last one was kind of like a parted thing. So the next one will hopefully be longer!**

 **And Levi arrives soon! In like two chapters.**

 **And leave a review! I would love writing tips, and please correct any errors. It can be anything really. If you want to of course!**

 **Thanks for reading. Bye~**


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